Abuse in the Name of Enlightenment – Moving Deeper into the Rabbit Hole

A few weeks ago I published a short article about abuse and trauma in spiritual communities. I wasn’t aware of the depth of the rabbit hole I was getting myself into. Since then several others have contacted me to share their experiences of abuse and, as synchronicity wanted it, seemingly by coincidence, I have met another former member of “Ana’s” spiritual community, let’s call her “Berta”. Her story is very similar to Ana’s: a story of deep multilayered abuse within complex trauma dynamics. A main difference is, however, that Berta left the community more than 15 years ago. To imagine that during this time dozens, if not hundreds of people will have been subjected to this kind of abuse, while the guru still continues his work, leaves me in disbelief.

While it is easy to judge from the outside and ask how someone could ever be “naive” enough to end up in a sect, cult (or similar), from the inside the reality looks very different. Many people who have been subjected to such abuse tell a similar story: The experience wasn’t “all bad”, but there were also the great and ecstatic times in the community, particularly at the beginning, when love-bombing and similar techniques are being used to entice new members: a community feeling of connection, similar values and goals, a shared vision for a better world, exploration beyond norms, mindfulness and expansion and a guru that guides and cares. People arrive to a place where they (at least initially) feel seen, heard and valued. They make new friends with similar values and interests. They become a “family”. They share plenty of time together in a “protected” container where the outside world and its madness matters less. And people find new bonding peers that they can relate to and connect with. Quickly a “new normal” is established where things work differently. And of course, in a guru-type spiritual community, the guru is the “alpha male” (rarely: female) with tremendous power to define and guide this new normal.

Trauma theory vividly tells us that we as humans are bodily programmed to seek and need connection with others, a community, “our tribe”. We have an inbuilt need to belong and many of us in this world are driven by a constantly unfulfilled need for deep and meaningful connection. So are many of those seeking guru-type spiritual communities. During evolution this striving for connection and belonging simply allowed us to survive in an environment where alone we would have had little to no chance to survive. So, it comes to no surprise, that when people enter such spaces, they (seek to) bond with their mates and their guru. And anybody who has ever been in an abusive or toxic relationship knows how tremendously hard it can be to realize that the person you have initially bonded with doesn’t exist (anymore) or is only present sometimes. Trauma and with it different personality parts have entered the stage. The same is true for abusive gurus. At the beginning they seem to be an incarnation of loving kindness, but once their own trauma reveals itself (often in the form of Narcissism), things change, often subtly, but steadily and dramatically.

Over time, some people in abusive guru-type spiritual communities begin to feel that something is off, not right. Yet it is usually very hard to pinpoint and even harder to speak about it, and so often an inner conflict begins centred around the question: “What is really happening here? Which reality and experience is more truthful? Mine or the guru’s?” Abusive gurus (and similar) are usually incredibly sophisticated in manipulating others in myriad ways. Often they show signs of narcissistic personality disorders (or similar) and it has become second nature to them to manipulate others. Likely they even grew up in similar environments. And imagine: You try to speak about your negative experiences, but you are by now relatively isolated from the outside world and the “old normal” and your new bonding peers in the community think (usually mediated via the guru) that you are “off”, different, in resistance, overtly critical, biased and/or unfair. What is experienced as “negative” by you is inverted as being good for you on your path to enlightenment. And this seems to be the most powerful weapon of abusive gurus: the play with the purportedly critical tasks for any enlightenment/awakening seeker to open up, to surrender, to end resistance. And if the guru has successfully established his authority and dominance, then it becomes extremely hard for any community member to distinguish between surrender that might indeed serve some positive purpose and the surrender that the guru demands for his own advantage, of course hidden behind his absolute authority of being enlightened (or similar) and therefore right and “in the know”. This taking advantage, as we already know, typically includes: power, sex and money; so still nothing new here…

It often takes a tremendous and persistent amount of strength and positive resistance towards a guru who has established his control over the community, particularly if one has become entangled through traumatic patterns with him or the community at large. Almost everyone will be against you if you begin to question, to criticise, to oppose. Remember: This is not cool if you want to become enlightened. You surrender and follow, everything else just shows that you are “wrong” and “not there yet”. You will be excluded by those you have bonded with and created a sense of unity and belonging. You will be shamed, ridiculed, punished, gaslighted, diminished, shouted at and more. You may even start to think that you are going crazy as your perceptual reality is seemingly wrong and stands in opposition to the guru (and therefore likely also the rest of the community).

For many people leaving such an abusive community and guru it takes months, if not years, to gain the strength and clarity to stand up and say: “My reality is valid. I was abused. Fullstop.” Yet, at the same time, such abusive dynamics are complex. After all, as those accused of abuse usually emphasize, the abused joined the community on their free will and were free to leave at any time. Yet, once again, it is the layers of gaslighting and manipulation that make it very hard to distinguish clearly between one’s own perception of reality and what is normal, and the “new normal” enforced by the guru in the name of awakening and enlightenment. And on another layer, as Berta likes to emphasize, there is always also the aspect of having (at least somehow) consented to being in such a place. How come? Looking at this from a trauma informed perspective, we might need to look for trauma patterns and entanglements that are likely unconsciously at play. These are very important aspects for self-reflection so as not to end up in an over-simplistic view of “perpetrator” vs. “victim” and to integrate one’s own traumatic patterns that may have unconsciously co-created the situation as an re-enactment of earlier traumatic experiences.

Yet, this should in no way confuse us about a simple baseline: It is in no way acceptable to subject people to emotional, psychological and physical abuse. Never. Ever. A guru, like anybody else, has an ethical and “professional” responsibility offering transformative work. Transparency, informed consent, self-reflexivity, trauma sensitivity, power awareness as well as clear mediation procedures are all hallmarks of “safer spaces” for transformative work and they are usually strikingly absent in guru-type communities. There is no excuse if such principles get violated as the price can be horrendous: deeply (re-)traumatized people who came to trust and be vulnerable and who had their trust violated over and over again, often to the extreme.

I wish to dearly encourage those who have experienced abuse to stand up and find their strength to say: “No! This was too much! And it was not ok!” Maybe we need another “#me too” for spiritual and conscious communities. And I think it is time for all practitioners to develop clear and transparent ethical guidelines that guide their work and make them accountable. There are too many predators/densely-shadowed people out there in the field that harm the important work that is being done by undermining the trust and openness required for transformative work, particularly when it comes to the deeply wounded field of human connection, relating and sexuality. Given what we have already learned about Ana’s and Berta’s guru, it will come to no surprise that he also used the “golden penis” technique: He would tell women that if they slept with him they could be sexually healed.

I am feeling a bit better now having written the above. It helped me process. After finishing the first draft, I noticed how I had subtly taken on an energy of “the rescuer” in my writing, being charged with the energy of “something needs to change now and I will do it!”. I have tried to edit him out. He doesn’t belong here. So let me end with sharing my two main motivations for writing about this topic: Firstly, I want to expose abusive dynamics and practices so that others can better navigate transformative spaces and avoid going through similar experiences as Ana and Berta did. Secondly, it tends to weigh heavily on me, offering transformative work in the relational field myself, and knowing that this work is so extremely important, that there is so much abuse and exploitation happening in the search for a better life. This field is densely filled with shadows, trauma, scars, ignorance, egos and hurt inner children. And at the same time with the promise of healing and/or salvation. And with people who sell themselves (e.g. as gurus) or their business/product/service on the capitalist market as the one that will help to end suffering. That makes for a highly charged field that needs “safe spaces” and qualities of tenderness, care, awareness, attunement, empathy and competency that in my experience are often at least to some extent lacking. While I haven’t been personally exposed to the kind of abuse Ana and Berta have experienced – I have never felt drawn to hierarchically organized wisdom schools – I have witnessed more than enough “lousy practices” and borderline abuse. And I have realized early on: “For me, that’s not OK!”